songs, rambles, prayers, God...what else do you need?

listening to ~ White Flag, by Chris Tomlin, at Passion and Free, by Dara Maclean

Well, now I'm wishing I had another excuse for not posting.  'Cause I kinda need one right about now.  But before I launch into a long, rambling post...just beware, this is about to become a long, rambling post.  Now, moving on...I actually do have half of an excuse!

...which turns out to be worse than no excuse at all...

See, I was going to fast from being on the computer, as well as reading.  For the most part.  That was the idea, anyways...but that's all it was, an idea.  Not something I really prayed about.  Not something I decided based on what God told me, what His Spirit was nudging me to do.  It was something I just figured would work for me so that I could join our church in the 21-day fast we've been doing, leading up to Easter (and could also come in handy as an excuse for not posting on my poor blog).

I just figured it would work for me.

not God.  i wasn't thinking about what God wanted.  what He knew i needed.

maybe He did want me to fast those things.  but i didn't take the time to really ask Him.

So...I've been looking at it as if I've failed.  I didn't stick to my fast (key word - my), didn't listen to God, my relationship with God wasn't magically changed...so I failed. And since I loathe failure...and who doesn't?...I've been ignoring it.  I was more focused on performance, I guess, than God.  What I wanted to do, instead of my Father.  And when that perfection-obsession results in failure and turns to guilt, I do my best to ignore it.  Er, try to.

sorry - this blog post has apparently been seen as a convenient spot to use as my current journal entry. which is surprising, since i haven't made an entry in my journal since...*getting out my journal*...6/30/2011. at 11:14pm, to be precise. ha. it's 11:05pm right now. can't you see i totally have my priorities lined up? of course you wait until your eyelids are threatening to glue shut for the next 24 hours, even tho you need to get up the next morning at, like, 7:30am - of course you wait until then to spend time quietening your troubled heart, to start talking to God...to start listening to His Spirit. to His loving, gentle Spirit.

O my Lord Jesus, my God. how i love You. how amazing You are. how messed up i am, how sinful. but You know that...You've known that...but You still love me. You give me life, life given freely. You give me forgiveness. redemption. hope. joy. how i don't deserve You. to even know You, who You are. but You push through my doubt and feelings of unworthiness and everything in me that rebels against Your love and You say...I love you, my chosen one, my daughter. you're forgiven. come to Me, and I will give you rest. come to Me, and I will give you life. come to Me, my loved one, my precious little girl. you are truly loved. I'll hold you in My love, warm you in My arms. come to Me. I love you.

amen.


Love and blessings - have a wonderful weekend, all! <3